My Crush Nostalgia

Last week, I hit into an old crush of mine (someone I was secretly crazy about) at a pet store. Even after 8 long years, she hadn’t change much; she still looked charming and graceful, slender with good looks and curving bodylines, brown-black eyes like pearls and an accent that still seemed like music. I can proclaim this crush publicly for two reasons. One, she still doesn't know my pen name and two; she is not the blogging or reading kind. Thus, my crush satisfies the major crush criteria. It's my little secret, between me and my conscience (and now several readers) and it will remain unrealized, thus preserving my innocence, my dignity and my stato coniugale.

But let me not stop short my crush's total hooking power. She has a classic Colgate smile and a blushing, almost childlike grin. I won't objectify her further except to say, she's just breathtaking. Or let's just say that she's exactly the kind of women who would never go out with me anyway! And of course, I still barely know her. She used to go out with a software guy with a dumb face and an almost dead silent posture. Yet, we had lunch once, all of us together with a couple of my former office colleagues. And, for the most part he was a blank slate but she was brilliant. I could project onto her what I want. I used to think, it’s a pity, she is not single! She was a walking, living antidote to the sameness of my former workplace.

My friend describes this phenomenon as "anonymous flirting" and considers flirting harmless. He feels powerful erotic tension between passing strangers is as normal as part of growing up or growing old. My neighbor calls it “girl watching”, but then he is a sexually constipated, jealous old man, his characterization strikes me with pity for him. Girl watching, are something greasy-haired, sex-starved, pubescent boys do, not sophisticated Guys like me.

Less charitable critics might say that any admiration of unknown beauties, is a form of stalking - an objectification that hides a bubbling psychosis (remember Alicia Silverstone in the movie - Crush) but, I feel this is an unjust exaggeration. If I turned and followed the objects of my fascination after they passed, then perhaps. If my fascination persisted and grew dear; if I followed them home and waited outside their doors with fistfuls of shabby roses - well, then, yes. If I took photographs of them with a telescopic camera and wrote them love letters that I never mailed, if I trailed them when they went out with somebody, keeping a discreet distance, filled with jealous rage, thumbing a sharp-edged knife in one hand and weeping quietly in frustration - now that would be stalking.

To me, though, such crazy characterization aside, a crush is lively and interesting. I've come to think of it as an art, and art of crush is not about lust or sex. Sex is too easy - as simple and instinctive as masturbation and once it is over, it loses its charm. The crush in contrast, is a spell that, because it remains unconsummated, is never broken by reality's inevitable anti-climax. Because, there are no first dates, no hungry first kisses, no rocky times, no ups and downs. There is only the crush - part nostalgia and part hope, the infinite possibility of what may or might have happened, so far yet so close. The truly accomplished crush artist never falls into the reality trap; he is in fact, a grinning celibate! but if things come naturally, (I love it, when it does) to hell with celibacy.

Call me crush-prone. I had a torrential crush on Resham Kidwai in my eighth grade and the dusky Juliana in my ninth grade. In my tenth standard, I was silly over my school librarian Nupur who still remains one of my favorites besides Daisy Fuentes of MTV, Alexandra of Channel V, movie stars – Kelly Preston, Madchen Amick, Kristy Swanson, Monica Belluci are and remain, my monster crushes for the ages. I have had many more but they all have lapsed over the years.

In an era of high-risk sex and gender common workplaces, a good crush in its truest sense is harmless, simple and uncomplicated. And although, it's hardly a substitute for the euphoria of actual sex or the excitement of actual courtship, a good crush has spiritual and self-worth benefits, which many experts agree. A crush may awaken your vanity from the routines of domestic life and may boost your self esteem.

The crush concept also makes even more sense today। The modern workplace, college, school, club, or the neighborhood is a fertile breeding ground for crushes. It's where we spend most of our time. It’s a contained universe. You see the same people everyday. You've likely to share similar thoughts and backgrounds. People grow on you. People grow into crushes. The sexual charge released by a crush unleashes a creative energy, which can benefit us, professionally and it’s proven that teams composed of men and women are more productive than same sex cohorts. And these crushes can be very healthy, also as long as they're kept under control. Alas, control. If it’s not kept in the proper perspective, a crush can become entirely more complicated than it's worth and ruin a perfectly good and friendly relationship.

Forget productivity, creative energy and good health. Crushes make the daily grind easier to bear; they keep our eyes open and our egos healthy. After all, they keep us happy and awake.